Providence, Rhode Island
October 13, 2007
College Hill with a steep ride down Providence’s Waterman Street.

Our journey from Cleveland to Rhode Island began 2 days prior to the event. We were unable to visit any points of interest since it rained ninety percent of the trip. New York City was one of our primary destinations. We arrived in Providence Friday night around one in the morning and managed to locate Waterman Street regardless of the heavy rain. We are cheap and unable to justify the point in renting a hotel for a few hours so we decided to establish a hobo camp in front of Brown University. Brown University is a top notch ivy school and not an ideal place for a bum camp. We were unable to find any: bars, clubs, gas-stations, etc. serving medicine since Rhode Island is a dry town. Drinking liquor wrapped with a traditional brown paper bag would have helped pass the time at the hobo camp.

We proceeded to scope the course and talked to security to pass the time. The security was pumped for this event because they were unsure what to expect. They told stories about the hill being used by street lugers for the X-games a couple years prior. They also showed us the dangerous hairpin turn which many of the lugers couldn’t handle. We were confident because street lugers are not designed for hairpin turns and unlevel ground.

Finally ten a clock in the morning arrived, so we unloaded our soapbox racer and proceeded to the hotel to represent. We desperately needed a change of clothing and a warm shower before venturing on a crusade in search of alcohol. Red bull also handed us a packet with a list of events and a schedule for the team to follow. Our team glanced the propaganda and voted not to follow all procedures since we traveled here to avoid schedules and the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

After enjoying some irresponsible power-drinking, we remembered Boom Daddy needed to represent at a meeting to discuss final details about what to expect on Saturday. Our team decided to transform into our pimp personas and discover if Providence was a pimp friendly city. What a ridiculous meeting, Boom Daddy wasted precious drinking time listening to ludicrous questions asked by other teams. Boom Daddy was the only person in character and ready to hit the streets in search of business. Pimpin’ ain’t easy and it’s a 24/7 job and Boom Daddy needed to keep his pimp hand strong since a pimp needs to always watch his back. I remember pondering to myself, “What questions could one possibly have? – Soapbox is a basic concept: make it to the bottom of the hill and manage to have a fast time.”

The meeting finally ended and it was time to find the team and make an appearance at the pre-party. The pimps took to the street in search of this party. We walked the streets in true pimp form led by “No-Flavor Jay”, Flavor Flav’s white archrival. He was sporting a lime-green zoot suit, gold-trimmed neck clock, wing-tipped glasses, and a Viking helmet which would make any pimp jealous. Pedestrians and passing traffic quickly spotted him and screamed “Flavor Flav” and some also stopped to snap photos with Flavor Flav’s arch-nemesis.

We finally discovered the after party and searched for a bar to obtain some poison or better known as “grandma’s secret cough medicine.” We were the only team in costume but we were representing C-town. Not a lot of C-town love in this city since Providence supports Bean-town (Boston). The Cleveland Indians were also in town playing the Red Sox for the ALCS. The only topic we could agree on with the Providence natives was everyone was glad to see the hated Yankees were eliminated by the Cleveland Indians.

The pre-party was bumping but started to thin quickly. Most of the teams decided to return to the hotel to seek sleep or maybe to hold each other since they were scared and lonely. Regardless, it was not going to interfere with our drinking binge. Our team philosophy was adapted from the movie “Roadhouse” – One will have plenty of time to sleep after he is dead. We continued to drink to the point of no return and needed to venture into the dark cold city since the party was dying. We managed to find another watering hole in the city but the place lacked hustle and bustle so we decided to return to the Red bull party. Some members of our posse decided to return to the hotel and the remaining navigated back to the original party. The party had fizzled but we decided to make the best of a bad situation until another team disrespected our presence.

A team member from Moustache Motors desperately tried impressing the ladies by engaging a show of strength with a pool stick. He was waving and spinning the stick at Boom Daddy as if he knew martial arts. Boom Daddy grabbed the pool stick and pushed it to the floor since a pimp never enjoys being disrespected. This team member was standing mono to mono with the notorious Boom Daddy showing intentions of wanting to dance. Members from Moustache Motors apprehended their teammate and managed to calm him. They were advising their driver, “Save your energy for the track – Take it out on the track.” Thank god because Boom Daddy would have taken Danielson outside and I don’t think the crane kick would have been successful for the Karate Kid wannabe. Like every party, the party had ended and it was time to leave. We needed to take our business elsewhere and return to the hotel.

Morning approached quickly and we were ready since a pimp is always ready for action. Its raceday so we returned to College Hill to compete at the Red bull Soapbox Derby. A lot of quality teams represented with creative racers. Our team number was 9 so we were in the first heat of 10 soap boxers attempting to win the ultimate trophy and bragging rights. Our skit was a spoof of “Pimp my Ride” – remove the sheet and off we went. Our run was decent and Boom Daddy safely finished the dangerous hill without wrecking.

Our team finished near the bottom of the pack since the judges were harsh scoring the early teams. I personally think someone had a discussion with the judges because the fans booed after viewing the scores. Our team score was low because one of the female judges scored our team a one. She probably would have loved to give us a zero if it was possible. Her comments were also ridiculous, “I don’t think it’s funny” and “Where are the ladies? Pimps with no ladies”. It’s funny because she must have never watched the television show “Pimp my Ride” – I have never seen any hoes on the show. How is it possible teams unable to finish the course placed higher than us? At least we placed higher than Lobsteroid, they had an excellent soapbox racer also and were also shafted as we were.

We ventured back to the hotel after the event in search of a party since a pimp is always looking for action. We were disappointed Red bull hosted no official after party as prior events. The unofficial after party was at Ultra Nightclub so we kept it on the down low and ended our night at the club. This nightclub was okay but nothing to write home about since it was not a spectacular club.

We had a great time and an opportunity to visit Providence to compete at the Red bull Soapbox Derby. Thanks to Red bull, the city of Providence, and various other sponsors for hosting this unique event.

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